The Controlling Partner Dec 24, 2016 3:00:53 GMT -5
Post by SARA on Dec 24, 2016 3:00:53 GMT -5
The Controlling Partner
If you have ever been in a relationship with a controlling and insecure partner, you know how stressful it can be. These toxic relationships will eventually take a toll on your emotional and physical health. Make no mistake about it…controlling individuals are abusers and the abuse is emotional. Whether you are in this unhealthy relationship or you have a friend or family member who may be involved in one, there are specific signs to look for.
They need to know where you are at all times
The controlling partner will text or call you several times a day. These individuals are extremely clever and very manipulative. They won’t always come right out and ask you where you are or what you are doing. Instead they will text a sappy message. For example they will say, “Just thinking about you.” If you are unable to respond within a couple of minutes, you can expect to be interrogated later as to what you were doing and why you did not respond in, what they consider to be, a timely fashion.
A couple of phone calls or text messages during the day is not conducive to controlling behavior but if this occurs several times during the course of the day, that is a red flag.
They will constantly message you while you are out
If you are planning an evening with friends, expect to be interrupted throughout the evening by the controlling partner. They will keep coming up with excuses to text or call in order to disrupt your night and irritate you so much that you will think twice about ever bothering to go out at all with anyone except them. They may even go so far as to show up with a friend in an attempt to keep an eye on you. When you confront them with this behavior or try to discuss it, they will play the innocent victim. They will make excuses to make you feel guilty by saying that they were just worried about you or that they saw or heard something that they thought you would find interesting or amusing. This is again, very manipulative behavior.
They watch every move you make
When out in public with the abuser, they will constantly look to see who you interact with, what your body language is and be prepared for a barrage of questions to follow. Why were you in the restroom for so long? Who are you looking at? Who are you texting? Why does your phone keep ringing? Why are you flirting? Why are you so late?
They will invade your privacy
When you are not in the presence of the abuser, they will search through your pockets, drawers, closets, and car. They will think nothing of searching your phone for calls and drawers, closets, and car. They will think nothing of searching your phone for calls and messages. They will desperately try to gain access to your passwords without you knowing. They will stalk you on social media networks and question you as to why you are interacting with specific individuals. They are always suspicious and always relentless. If you think your insecure partner would never do that, you are very sadly mistaken. They all do it.
They will train you to lie
Be aware of how your behavior will begin to change. If an old friend asks you out to lunch and you tell the abuser about it, you know that it will bring on a parade of questions as to where and when you will be meeting this person, etc. They will either try to sabotage this meeting with a number of manipulations or you know they will be blowing up your phone the whole time. What will you do? You will lie because you know that the truth will get you into trouble. No matter how innocent it is, the abuser will make accusations. If you find yourself having to lie about things that you have every right to do, places you want to go to, who you talk to, it is time to get out. Do you feel you have to erase messages from friends or family on your phone or carry it with you everywhere in the home just to avoid suspicion? Do you have to account for where you are every minute of the day? Do you feel you have to leave the room just to have an innocent conversation with a friend of the opposite sex? Are you cheating on your partner or thinking about it as a way of escaping or sabotaging the relationship? If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you are, most likely, in an unhealthy or emotionally abusive relationship.
They will inflate your ego
Remember that the controlling partner knows what makes you tick and they make it their business to know. They know just which buttons to push. If you dare to get into a debate with the abuser about their behavior or if you threaten to exit the relationship for any reason, they will begin to change their actions. They will suddenly become very complimentary and tell you how sexy you are or how grateful they are to have you in their life. They may even apologize or admit to over reacting. When they feel safe and they feel that the relationship is under their control, the pattern will resume and you will be right back where you started.
When a man is the controlling partner in a relationship, he tends to react with anger and he is more direct with the allegations to scare or intimidate the victim into submission. A female abuser tends to use manipulation through guilt and emotion to gain power over her partner.
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander?
The controlling partner will come and go as they please. They will flirt with others in public or on social media in an attempt to make you feel jealous. If you react negatively, they feel safe and in control of the relationship and of you. This is emotional abuse and one of their favorite manipulations.
They will threaten and harass you
The controlling male partner will relentlessly badger you about commitment so that he can feel safe in the relationship. If his partner does not comply, the harassment will continue until he gets his way or she ends the relationship. The controlling female partner uses manipulation when seeking a commitment. She will drop hints, especially around the holidays, her birthday or Valentine’s Day. If she doesn’t get the ring, she will either punishment her partner with distance, silence and dirty looks or create arguments and issue threats to force him into submission. The less angry types try to make their partners feel guilty by moping around and acting like it’s the end of the world. The pattern will continue from year to year. Don’t fall for it.
Don’t be afraid to walk away
Whether you are married to or living with a controlling partner, leave the relationship. Do not make excuses or feel guilty for staying such as the financial entanglement, fear of being alone or the children. Your fear of change will have serious repercussions. The more miserable you become, the more your energy levels will drop and all this anxiety may, over time, manifest into physical maladies. Listen to your mind and body. Are you tired? Are you feeling depressed? Are you turning to drugs or alcohol to deal with the emotional roller coaster? Are your finances suffering? Is your partner burying you in debt in order to bind you to them? Do you feel isolated from your friends and activities or hobbies that you once enjoyed? Are you interrogated about people you work with? Is this relationship affecting your self-esteem? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you must create change or continue to live in denial and fear. You will suffer the consequences.
You deserve better
Do not lie to yourself or try to convince yourself that this individual loves you or that you owe them something. One does not manipulate or try to control a person they love… EVER! Do not make excuses for the abuser. Remember that the controlling partner is selfish and insecure and they only care about themselves. No matter how long these relationships drag on, it is doomed. If your partner has resisted counseling or psychiatric treatment for their behavior, ask yourself how many more years of your life you are willing to sacrifice feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. Make your happiness and health your priorities and move on. Without professional help, these individuals will not change and even if they do seek help, they often relapse and revert back to the old behavior. Narcissistic personalities do not like to be told that there is something wrong with them. They will blame you for the failing relationship and continue to torment you. They would rather stay in the relationship and punish you then watch you walk away and find happiness with someone else. It is all about control, not love.
A word to the abuser….
What you fear, you will create. You may think you are controlling everything and everyone but control is an illusion. You are damaged and that damage breeds pain, confusion and insecurity. You deserve to be happy too. Seek professional help if you think you are a controlling partner or you will continue to suffer emotionally and physically just like the victim. You will eventually lose everything and everyone you are trying to hold on to.